I'm about to hit a wall.
I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who experiences this. I'm also pretty sure that most of the people who experience this are also in my "line of work".
"line of work" sounds a lot more interesting and, um, spicy than it really is. I kind of like it that way.
"line of work"... purrrrrrrrrrr
I wonder many times every single stinkin' day if my voice is working. Does anyone outside my own brain hear the words that are coming out of my mouth? I can feel the vibration of my vocal chords. I feel the breath escaping from between my ever-increasingly tense lips. I feel my lips and tongue forming the sounds that are required to make words.
I also wonder if I have suddenly been given the gift of speaking in tongues. You know, I can understand all the people around me. Their language is making perfect sense to me. The language I'm speaking? Not so much. Those around me seem to not understand a single stinkin' thing.
On many occasions, I have simply stopped mid-sentence. Whatever ridiculously mundane or crucially, life-saving important thing I was sharing was brought to an abrupt end without completing even half the thought. Did anyone notice? Maybe 33% of the time.
I am at the point in my life, with my attitude toward this, that I have reached several times before...
I live with and associate with some very rude, inconsiderate people. People who mean the ever-loving WORLD to me. People who are completely uninterested in me and what I have to say. People who lack respect - not just for me, but for many others in their lives. (Assuming that they treat others in this same way. Evidence of this, I've yet to see, however.)
I am peed off about it.
I am not going to chat with anyone.
If what I have to say is so darned unimportant to them, then I'll just stop talking to them.
If their pants are on fire, I'll tell them.
If a bus is careening off the road, skidding right toward them, I'll scream as I push them out of danger.
If a bird has just flown overhead and pooped on their hair or shoulder, I'll keep quiet. (sounds fair to me)
Here's the biggest part of the problem... Stinkerbell has developed this very rude, very disrespectful habit. I've talked with her about it. I've explained my expectations and rules and God's commandments about it. I've described how it makes me feel. I've retold the events in a way that she empathizes with me (what if it were YOU that would say something to ME and I ignored you? what if I ignored you ALL AFTERNOON EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU SAID SOMETHING?) I've cried.
What's a depressed, overly sensitive, raw-nerved mommy to do?
Truthfully, I've tried to talk to The Mighty Hunter about his habits in this before. Guess what. It fell on deaf ears.
For someone who struggles with self-esteem issues from the minute she starts slapping the snooze button at 6am until she collapses to sleep late at night, this is not helping.
I'm thinking I might need to get back into therapy.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
I'm about to hit a wall.