what to do? what to do?

I've been away from here so long that I don't quite to know what to write.

Me, who can ramble for screens and screens about, well, nothing. Blocked.

I suppose I can tell you about the kiddos.

Stinkerbell is LUVIN! soccer. It suits her never-be-still-crawl/run/gallop-all-day-drive-everyone-crazy urges to the TEE. She starts the game as goalie and usually plays the 1st half there. Then Coach moves her to offense. This amazes The Mighty Hunter and me. Neither of us have ever played soccer. We know only the basic of basics about the game. Her ball-handling skills are already equal to the girl they call "Power Foot". She usually plays all but 15 minutes of the game.

I guess this makes me an official Soccer Mom. Is this a good or bad thing?

Lucky is almost 8 months old. He was evicted from his carrier-style car seat last week. I got the Britax Marathon at Target for $40 LESS than everywhere else! SCORE!!!

The Mighty Hunter is getting ready for hunting season. He always plows a place and plants a "green field" in the pasture where his grandmother lived. He's been working on it this week. To aid in his deer food plot farming, he has purchased a chisel plow ($500), $300 of fertilizer and seed and a leveling bar ($200) to pull behind his Rhino ($89/month). Don't let anyone tell you that deer meat is free or cheap. They LIE.

Yes, we eat deer meat, sorry PETA. We used to take it to butchers for processing and packaging. Several years ago, we bought a meat grinder and can now make our own hamburger meat. Typically, we save the tenderloin/back-strap and cook it as a roast (very tasty.) The hamburger meat is very good for chili or spaghetti or lasagna. It's fat content is too low to make it good for actual, you know, hamburgers.

Our stupid puppy, Jake, stuck his head under the garage door the other night. And, the garage door closed on him. No, it didn't kill him. But I feel certain he gained a healthy fear of getting squished by it again. When I told The Mighty Hunter about it, he rolled his eyes and said, "of course, it didn't kill him. We haven't spent enough money on him yet." Now, for those of you whose hackles are raised over our garage door not stopping or reversing when it hit the stupid puppy... I know we seriously need to change the opener. It's hard for me to shell out the $400 for a new opener right now. I mean, a girl has to have a new pair of purdy boots for fall and winter. sheesh.

About accessories, I'm in search of a new diaper bag/purse. I am sick and tired of the one I'm using now. It's a bottomless-pit backpack. It's ugly and dirty. I just can't find the perfect bag. I'm very particular about this kind of thing and would rather use the dirty, tired bag longer than is proper, than to blow money on the wrong one or the not-quite-right one.

Many of you have left comments welcoming me back to this little suburb of Mommy Bloggyville. Thank you so much. I even had 17 hits yesterday. I have truly missed being here with y'all.

Many of you have asked about my mom's condition. She left the hospital almost 3 weeks post-op, after spending 13 days on the in-patient physical therapy floor of the hospital. She still has some weakness on her left side. She is walking with a walker. She experiences dizziness that is causing her difficulty in moving around, but this should correct itself with time and therapy. She left the hospital with a cold and cough, which is still plaguing her. She has not begun her outpatient therapy yet because of the cold, which has weakened her a LOT. She will recover fully, but it will take some time and a lot of work on her part. She is determined and has an incredibly positive attitude. The attitude thing is not her natural way, so we're really surprised and pleased about that.

Again, thank you for your prayers, messages and comments. You're all very good friends.





After these messages, we'll be right back...

hear that echo? it's the sound of no one listening reading

Hello????

My shoulder hurts

Lucky just woke up

My left nostril is stopped up

Stinkerbell scored the winning goal in her 3rd soccer game EVER last night

Mom came home from the hospital a week ago and brought with her a upper respiratory
infection

No doctors will step up and call in her a rx for antibiotics

I'm peed off at the doctors

The doctors know this

Stefano didn't actually die

Will Sami ever solve the mystery of the Brady-Dimera Vendetta?

I have put 5k miles on the Pimped Out Mamamobile

My brother's wife made a very profound statement: "I think it's time to leave when someone finds a dead bug in their nose."

She also said piss and I caught it on video (this was after The Mighty Hunter had said h-e-double-hockey-sticks and got brother's kids forbidden to ride with us anymore that day.) Serves her right!

My Auburn Tigers football team is not playing to their full capabilities. dangit.

I am no longer living in the "blond" world. I'm now definitely brunette. and lovinit

If Lucky drops his apple-flavored wagon wheels on the floor and I determine that the 5-second rule applies, but then I drop it into my tennis shoe, is it ok that I gave it back to him to play with and/or eat? What if it hit one or two of my toes?

I hate using the booger-sucker on Lucky. He hates it as well. But the green mustache must be stopped!

I must go now. My house is dirty - as always - and I must ignore it and go buy bananas and diapers.

I've missed writing and visiting with y'all. I hope to post a little more regularly but am not sure if it will actually happen.

I faced the unfaceable. I wept for a love that I did not lose. My heart broke with fear of the unthinkable. I fought away the tears of my love.

For 8 days, I prepared myself for my mother’s surgery. The tumor was in the crappiest of crappy places. It had, apparently, been there and affecting her life for some time, with symptoms that were easily blamed on other problems. I took the surgeon’s words into my heart and mind and felt the foundation of my very being shake with their weight and meaning.

Meningioma tumor.

C3 vertebrae.

Against or on the spinal cord.

Constricting the spinal fluid.

Nerves controlling the heart and lungs and all bodily functions below the neck.

Instant death.

Paralysis.

Intense pain.

Physical therapy.

Recovery.

I refused to allow myself to weep in front of her. I refused to reveal the depth of my fears. I refused to cause her more worry.

I prayed. I poured my fears out to God. I begged him. Pleaded with him to not take my momma now. To not take her from Stinkerbell. To give Lucky time to get to know her and be able to remember her.

I wept. My tears stuffing up my nose and swelling my eyes. I couldn’t let Stinkerbell see those tears. I couldn’t reveal to her how terrified I was. The fear was too great and the burden too heavy to share with her.

Denial was not a possibility for me. I knew too much. I understood too well. I wished I weren’t that one for her. That person that she depended on for going with her to appointments, for asking questions and listening and remembering. I wish I didn’t need to be that person for her.

I told The Mighty Hunter that I would not be able to tell Stinkerbell that her Nanny was dead. He reminded and reassured me endlessly that everything would be ok. I couldn’t completely believe him. Yet, he knew my pain. He knew the fear. He lost that love once, not too long ago.

As I showered the day before the surgery, I wept aloud and cried out to God. I had never felt such pain.

As I drove to the hospital the night before the surgery, I searched for songs that spoke to me and for me. I sang along when I could control my voice through the tears. I prayed when I could bear it. I thought through the upcoming hours. I wished I had eaten dinner with her. I regretted many mistakes I’d made in my life. I thought about the things I had packed to bring with me. I imagined hearing the news.

The horrible, awful news.

I praised God as best I could in my fear. I sought His presence. I begged Him to take away my fear. I asked Him why I had been so fearful. I asked Him where He had been. Why wasn’t He with me?

I realized that I had failed to bring my Bible. But there was a book still in the van, left in there from vacation.

It’s Not About Me, by Max Lucado

And with the meaning of that title in my head, I felt His presence. The lights were on again. I understood.

I got it.

It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about my fear. It wasn’t about my loss. It wasn’t about my mother. It wasn’t about my daughter or my son. It wasn’t about my heartbreak. It wasn’t about me.

It was about Him. What He had done to get us this far. What He had done to prepare us for the surgery. What He would do in her healing. It was about how He loves us. It was about sharing His love with others in this time. It was about praising Him for knowing our pain and sharing it with us and bring us through it.

It was about Him.

And my fear left me. My doubt was gone. My worries dried up with my tears. I smiled with the confidence of knowing my Savior lives. That He loves me. That He is with me. That I can depend on Him in this storm – and every other storm.

As she rolled through the doors into the surgical wing, I told her I loved her. I smiled. I squeezed her hand and told her I’d see her in a few hours. And I truly believed the words. I wasn’t bluffing anymore. I wasn’t saying the words that should be said. I was saying the words that were true.

And then after surgery, I sat with her. I told her that I had been afraid. I told her of the book title and God’s presence and the peace that filled my heart.

As she rested, I read to her. I listened to her breathe. Her puffing little snores. I looked at her face. That beautiful face. I held her hand and rubbed the back of it with my thumb.

I thanked God for her.

I thanked God that she could feel my hand in hers.

I thanked God for the blessing of my mother.

I thanked God for His healing.

I thanked God for His presence and courage.

Because it was His courage that relieved my fear. When I had no courage of my own, He gave it to me.

For me to live is Christ and to die is gain. Phillipians 1:21

Thursday, August 23, 2007, the tumor was removed. It was attached to her spinal cord. It was larger than expected. The vertebrae that were cut to provide access to the tumor had to be fused back together with 6 screws. The tumor was completely removed and was benign. It will not grow back. The surgery took about 4.5 hours. The halo that was applied to her skull during surgery was removed before she left recovery. She was given only a soft cervical collar to support her neck. She experienced a lot of pain initially and through the coming days. There was a “pins and needles” type of pain that she felt on her left arm, from the wrist to the neck. She felt this on a smaller scale on her right shoulder. Each day showed this pain to recede higher and higher on her arm. She was very weak on her left side, making it difficult to lift her left arm and move her left leg. She had good feeling with all her fingers and toes and was able to wiggle them freely. The top of her right thigh and collarbone were numb. She stayed in Surgical Intensive Care for about 28 hours and was transferred to a private hospital room. In this room, she continued to receive pain medication on schedule but on a decreasing rate. An attempt to move from the bed to the toilet caused her to turn her left ankle. It was only a sprain, but a splint was applied. Physical therapy began on Saturday. PT was painful and unpleasant. Xrays proved that the ankle was only mildly sprained.

Sunday was a better day. More PT with more progress. Monday was even better. Dr said she was ready to move to the inpatient rehabilitation floor. This finally happened Wednesday afternoon.

Thursday morning was rough. A lot of dizziness and nausea prevented her from going to PT. PT on Thursday afternoon was productive. With a walker, she walked from her bed to the hallway – approximately 15 feet. Before this, she only had stood at the edge of her bed, turned toward the potty chair and then reversed those steps. Friday’s PT was productive also.

She could be released from the hospital Tuesday or soon thereafter.

God has really given us all a wonderful gift. My mom, known for her sarcastic nature, has a better attitude than I’ve seen from her in YEARS. This attitude will prove important over the upcoming weeks and months.

She has weeks and months of recovery ahead of her. She may not be able to return to work, but she will recover. She will walk unassisted again. She will drive again. She will hold her grandkids again. She will visit the Smokies again.





Thank you all soooo much for your kind emails, comments, prayers and concern. You are all my sister and I love you all!

I don't promise to be here often in the upcoming days and weeks. I will be staying with my mom and running Stinkerbell to soccer games.

My life is full.

Full of blessings.

Trying to find peace

Psalm 121
A Pilgrim Song

1-2 I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.

3-4 He won't let you stumble,
your Guardian God won't fall asleep.
Not on your life! Israel's
Guardian will never doze or sleep.

5-6 God's your Guardian,
right at your side to protect you—
Shielding you from sunstroke,
sheltering you from moonstroke.

7-8 God guards you from every evil,
he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
he guards you now, he guards you always.

Only here for a moment

I'm not ending my break yet. I'm actually requesting an extension.

First grade began last Thursday. It is going well. Stinkerbell loves her teacher and is more confident than she was when she began kindergarten. I'm disappointed in the difficulty (rather the lack thereof) in the reading that is being sent home. (She was reading at almost 2nd grade level at the end of kindergarten. We didn't do any serious summer work, but she did improve.) I hope that her teacher quickly determines Stinkerbell's reading level and adequately challenges her. If not, I'll become the meddling mommy and just tell Teacher what I think and exactly how she can do her job better.

ahem

Soccer began Monday night. We skipped soccer last year as I was very much pregnant and only beginning to sneak away from the stupor of constant migraines. I think soccer might be more suited for Stinkerbell than teeball. She loves teeball and is pretty good. But soccer? Oh my. She had a big grin all over her face as she ran around and kicked the ball with her little fists bent at the wrist. The heat never seemed to bother her. Me and The Mighty Hunter? Griping and complaining and whining. Lucky? Mr Happy-Go-Lucky. Besides the heat, I got bit on my left foot by 3 ants during soccer practice. Stupid ants.

sigh

2 weeks ago my mother went to her internist for annual bloodwork, checkup, etc. She complained about her neck and lower back pain and was gladly referred to a neurosurgeon for proper diagnosis. CTs and MRIs showed 3 problems. I will list these in order from "routine" back surgery to earth-shaking-how-do-I-get-through-this...

1. lower back vertebrae joints have deteriorated and need repair. probably "fusing" of joints.
2. 2 bulging discs in her neck. standard surgical repair.
3. probable meningioma in her c3 vertebrae. intense, dangerous surgery.

My mom is my best friend. I'm scared shitless. There is a significant probability of paralysis and death.

The spinal cord at the c3 controls the heart and lungs and everything else below the neck. Basically, an injury to that particular area (whether accidental or damaged during surgery) could cause immediate death.

How do I tell Stinkerbell about this? Her Nanny is her only living grandmother, and she ABSOLUTELY ADORES her. Is there any way at all that I can prepare her for this? What do I say? How do I say those words? How do I do it without sobbing?

Because sobbing is about all I can do right now.

Today, mom had a stress test to determine her cardiovascular fitness for surgery. We'll know the results of it by Monday.

Thursday night, after soccer, we're leaving town. Mom, Dad, The Mighty Hunter, Stinkerbell, Lucky, me, and probably my brother, sister-in-law, 4 kids are going to the Smokey Mountains. We're going to do whatever strikes my mom's fancy. We'll loop Cades Cove. We'll climb Roaring Fork Motor Trail. We'll put our feet in the cold water (if there is any, thankyouverymuch drought.) We'll eat at her favorite restaurant. We'll laugh and tell stories. We'll be a family.

We'll be TOGETHER.

Thursday, August 23, 2007, 7:00 am CDT, my mother, Helen Silver, will undergo spinal surgery. Please pray for her.

Until then, I will not be spending a single moment reading your blogs - I'm sure you'll understand. I will be at my mom's house. On the phone with my mom. Cooking with my mom. Shopping with my mom. Watching Elvis movies with my mom.

I will not regret the way I spend this upcoming week.

I will not.

(I will be checking my email and will see any comments left. Thank you for your prayers and love. I will be back sometime soon.)