My ob is a nut. I love it!

Today was one of those very UNpleasant dilation check appointments at the ob/gyn. When you're full-term pregnant, your cervix tries to hide somewhere between your shoulder blades. Well, this is EXACTLY the time that the darn little thing must be examined on a weekly basis.

"A little pressure. A lot of pressure. I'm sorry."

All to determine that, yes, indeed, I AM 9 months pregnant.

duh

Well, last Tuesday I was 1 cm. (Fully dilated, ready to deliver is 10 cm if you didn't already know. But I can't imagine ANYONE that is reading my blog right now, with its Ode to Pregnancy theme, that wouldn't already know that.)

Today I was 2 cm.

The hibernating cervix also tries to turn itself away. Away from what? I don't know, but it turns away.

Posterior is the descriptive term. Meaning turned toward to look behind me between my shoulder blades instead of in front of me through my sternum.

Well, my ob today checked my dilation status. "2 cm, but still posterior. It will have to move from here to here (see video, I hope it posts right. this is my 1st video clip post.) before you're ready to deliver - unless we induce you."

http://s87.photobucket.com/albums/k152/augalinfp/?action=view&current=MOV01833.flv edited to add: I deleted this uploaded file without thinking about it. duh. sorry!



Note to The Mighty Hunter (like he even READS this!): I promise on the Good Book itself, I did NOT ask him to induce my labor. I did not even HINT at it. I know you don't believe me. You can ask him yourself when we see him next week!

So, next Monday, I go back to have my cervix checked again. Hopefully it will have dilated just a little bit more and moved a little bit down from the shoulder blade position to somewhere near my kidneys. That would be a nice change.

If not, we'll get another ultrasound to see if Peanut is a monstrosity of a baby (Stinkerbell was 8.5 lbs at 5 days late). If he's getting really big, ob is gonna strongly suggest we induce my labor again.

"Don't want to labor for long hours to learn the baby's too big and then do a C-section."



You don't scare me. Well, except for the demonstration of how the cervix has to move.

Now that's just not right.

Ode to Pregnancy
Movement Two - The beginning of the END
"Is it too late to change my mind and find a surrogate?"




1 cm down

9 cm to go

Braxton-Hicks

Sorting through tiny, precious baby clothes

Braxton-Hicks with intense spasms/cramps in the bend of my leg

Groin pain

What did I do with the thing-a-ma-bob from when Stinkerbell was a baby?

Didn't someone already give me that gift?

"Some assembly required"

It says to use a screwdriver but I'd rather use the hammer

Braxton-Hicks

Sick fascination with baby shows on tv

Name negotiations enter the final phase

Can I PLEASE get some pants that will stay UP!!!

Suspenders? maybe

Can we do one more ultrasound and make sure that this is not a watermelon in my belly?

Braxton-Hicks

We have a middle name, let's just pick the first name now!

Keep clothes clean

Dash to hospital plan

Winter weather chances? oh crap!

Hospital is 4 miles away

But down a BIG hill

And across 2 bridges

Please NO WINTER WEATHER!!!

I only want to eat chocolate

Braxton-Hicks

Itchy belly

The Mighty Hunter rubbing my belly

Peanut wiggling around as The Mighty Hunter rubs his cocoon.

Thinking how hard it must be for The Mighty Hunter to feel Peanut wiggle

The Mighty Hunter is a big wimpy baby

He's scared of me

Enjoying the last few days of having this power to instill fear with just a twitch of my eyebrow

Having the freedom to say WHATEVER I WANT and laugh it off

Thinking I should have packed our bags yesterday

This is my last baby

A little sadness

Real yearning to see my Peanut's little face and fingers and toes and tooshy

Braxton-Hicks

Bittersweet aching for Stinkerbell's big adjustments to life with a sibling

Making memories of this time with her

Wishing I had done many things before now

Braxton-Hicks

Not noticing Braxton-Hicks unless they include the blinding, breath-catching cramps

Needing to trim my toenails

Can't

Reach

My

Toes

Without

Grunting

ugh!!!

GIVING UP control over my life

Seeing my full-body profile in a mirror

Swearing to never look in that mirror again

Feeling hideous

Even maternity clothes aren't fitting anymore

Wishing everyone would stop nagging me and let me do what I CAN do!

Appreciative of the concern everyone has for me

Laughing with Stinkerbell at how I look when I dance with her to Hannah Montana

Regretting dancing

Panting for breath from dancing

Panting for breath from walking to bathroom

Panting for breath at anytime

Fight constipation

Fight diarrhea

Can I PLEASE just be regular???

Wishing I would feel those Braxton-Hicks again

Stocking up freezer for those days that I will be hobbling around the house alone with a baby

Confident that I'll be sick of pizza before I run out of my stash

Dreaming of a chari/recliner/sofa design that allows me to slump and still have lumbar support and prop up my feet

Fear of my water breaing in a very public, very inappropriate, very embarrassing place

Because things like that NEVER happen to me at home in private

Can I PLEASE be allowed to actually QUIT work?

Thank you ISP for getting my hi-speed connection working at home again.

Braxton-Hicks?

Getting ready for The Mighty Hunter's Dad Shower this Saturday

The Mighty Hunter is not happy about the Dad Shower

The Mighty Hunter: "why do I have to be tortured too?"

"Because it's only FAIR!!!"

Thankful that I've made it this far

Migraines are gone

Only typical pregnancy discomfort and complaints left now

Soon only pregnancy memories

Will look back someday and wish I could remember this time again a little more clearly than possible

Treasuring every last minute as much as possible

Wishing I could freeze time and live here and now forever

Wishing I could hurry up and get to the birth and move ahead

Wishing for the most exceptionally ordinary things

Wishing

Praying

Longing

I want everyone to know the kind of husband I have!

Look above this post. See that ticker? That tells you that my days are dwindling down to the end.

(Cue the trumpet fanfare!!)

As of right now, and according to the Auburn Gal Always Countdown to An Important Day Rules*, I have 21 days left. This may or may not correspond exactly with the ticker above, but it will be close.

21 days. That's 3 weeks. That's not long.

Especially when I've been pregnant for 43 years, 7 months and 28 days already.

So here's what happened that revealed my husband's true, malevolent nature.

It was Saturday, I think. Which according to the Countdown to An Important Day Rule (CtAIDR), was 25 days left until Due Date. Except that I think it was about 6pm, so that made it only 24 days - again according to the CtAIDR*.

So Saturday evening, The Mighty Hunter in all his wisdom and sensitivity made a statement to his deranged, mean pregnant wife. It might seem to have been an innocent enough statement to most anyone else. And had he said it at a time when I'm not waddling-around, please-stop-poking-your-foot-in-my-ribs, Extreme Makeover: Pregnant Edition pregnant, it might not have been quite as, well, stupid or suicidal.

He says... (Get ready. You just won't believe it.) "You still have a month left."

He used to be what I'd call above average intelligent.

He used to be what I'd call NICE.

Then he goes and says crap like that.

24 days do NOT equal 1 month.

"Shut up." (evidence that I'm deranged. I don't remember ever telling him to shut up.)

"what?" holding back his evil, maniacal laughter as best he can

"24 days. Not a month."

"It's a month till Feb 1. blah blah blah blah blah"

"24 days and SHUT UP."

"It's a month blah blah blah month blah blah blah month"

"You need to shut up and listen to me. 24 DAYS.
Do
you
understand
me?"

Now he knows he's got me all kinds of ticked off. jerk

"month blah blah blah month" can't hide his maniacal, snicker anymore

"You're being mean to me. Stop saying that. I do NOT have a whole month left. 24 DAYS!"

"Owww! You hit me!"

"Darn tootin' I hit you. And it's 24 days!"



So, I would like to officially announce that The Mighty Hunter is no longer on Santa's "nice list". The Mighty Hunter is getting entirely TOO MUCH SICK PLEASURE out of torturing me about the length of time left until Due Day.

Evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

So, today, as he was torturing me again at his office while I checked my eBay bids, I told him that he was not just mean.

He's stupid.

He moved up to suicidal tonight when I began hitting him with the spatula.

He's just lucky it was a plastic kitchen tool!



I told him I was going to tell everyone I know about his meanness. "You know I'm gonna blog this!'

"I don't care. No one reads your blog anyway."

what a jerk!

So, here's the deal. I want all of you stalkers to come out from under your keyboards and send in your comments, demanding he apologize and rub my feet and belly.

Poor little, pregnant Auburn Gal Always



*Countdown to An Important Day Rule (CtAIDR): When counting down to an upcoming date that is important or just exciting or even unpleasant, one should begin marking the calendar with the #1 on the day BEFORE the Important Day. Continue marking the calendar counting up until the current date is reached. When discussing or dreaming of said Important Day and how many days are left, one must use the number written on that day's place on the calendar until noon (local time zone). After 12 noon passes (again local time zone), one may begin use the number written on the next day's calendar place. This continues until the countdown reaches the day before the Important Day. At noon (local time zone) on the day before Important Day, one may then say "there are NO more days" until said Important Day.



Yea, I know. I'm nuts. But it's my little OCD system and I love it. It has taken me YEARS to get it just right. So, of course, it works perfectly for me.

Until The Mighty Hunter loses his ever-loving mind and thinks teasing a mean pregnant woman is funny. Doesn't he realize he has to sleep next to me? And that I cook most of his meals - which he has to eat!

sheesh.



Now, let's see those comments prove him wrong!

jerk

Extreme Makeover: Pregnancy Edition

No, I'm not getting a makeover.

I WISH! If Carmindy from What Not to Wear has an afternoon or weekend free to teach me how to apply eye-liner and hide my premature wrinkles - I'll make myself available!

I think Peanut has decided that he doesn't have quite enough room in my belly like it is. So, instead of moving out - which will happen soon, but not immediately - he's making the best of his current accomodations.

This morning I decided that he's moving furniture around and might be knocking out a wall.

I admire his initiative. But enough already!

We've got the cutest little bassinet assembled for him - Stinkerbell and I struggled through the instructions one night this week.

I have a baby shower scheduled for Monday night - my birthday.

I have selected the infant car seat I want - recent crash test results.

We got our cord blood banking kit yesterday. Not everyone thinks this is a good idea - for various reasons. I think most people choose not to do it for reasons other than their opinion of its future value (ie: cost, planning ahead, whatever). We banked Stinkerbell's cord blood as a result of losing The Mighty Hunters' mother to leukemia while I was pregnant. Because of her age and the rapid deterioration of her health, she was not a candidate for donating her own stem cells for transplant and none of her siblings were a match.

We decided that we would make sure that Stinkerbell (and possibly one of us) would have access to her own stem cells through her cord blood without having to go through the intense preparation steps required to donate one's own stem cells.

We are doing the same for Peanut. The annual storage fee (fixed at the time of child's birth) of $50 for Stinkerbell and $100 for Peanut will simply be an annual expense that we are glad to pay. The upfront fees have increased significantly since Stinkerbell's birth. But we feel they are worth the dip into our savings to afford. Our cord blood bank provides 12 month, interest free financing (with approved credit, of course) - or even longer finance terms to make the monthly payments more affordable.

Cryo-cell

Comparison of the many cord blood banks in the US

For those who aren't interested in paying for the collection and storage of their cord blood, it can be donated to transplant banks for transplant registry and donation toward those needing stem cell transplants and searching for an anonymous match/donor.

Info on donation of stem cells.

Info/listing of donation/transplant banks.

I'm off my soap box now. Thank you for your time.

The Mighty Hunter and Stinkerbell are taking me to dinner with some good friends for my birthday. Stinkerbell wants to make sure we sing Happy Birthday to her too.

For my birthday, I'm asking for extra sleep, a really good massage, shoes, a cuter than cute diaper bag that will double as my purse, a sleek new wallet to fit into that diaper bag/purse, relief of the constant guilt I inflict upon myself, good sound sleep, and (my favorite) a personal assistant (to do my laundry and put it away, wash my dishes and put them away, dust and vacuum, pay my bills, buy my groceries). That's all.

I'd settle for a really good nap without it ruining my night's sleep.

You think you know someone.

And then BAM!!!

You get blind-sided with the news that you didn’t really know them at all. They’ve been telling you things to keep from hurting your feelings. For years this has been going on.

14 years of marriage.

14 seemingly pretty happy years.

Yea, we fuss. We disagree. We lose our tempers. We yell about crap. But I always thought there was this foundation of mutual admiration and trust.

Trust.

Well, as my mother would say, “that’s shot all to hell and back.”

You see, I’ve have a few recipes that are his favorites. One particular meal is made for “special occasions”. I had thought for years that it was his top-shelf favorite.

Nope.

It seems that “all year long” he craves – yearns for – only one very simple meal.

The Southern traditional New Year’s Day dishes.

Black eyed peas and hog’s jawl.

Now, I understand that it is possible that in some regions of the country – even world – that one might not be familiar with the hog’s jawl part of this meal. It’s really nothing special or exotic. It’s the very fatty meat from – yup – the hog’s jaw. It tastes a lot like bacon – only chewier. And just like bacon, it is usually smoked before packaged for retail sale. You cook it the same way as bacon, in its own fat.

Drain it on a paper towel before eating to reduce the incredible greasiness of it.

Whatever brand I bought this year tasted better to me than previous years. Stinkerbell enjoyed it. The Mighty Hunter enjoyed it very much but wished I had bought the same brand as previous years – he prefers the tougher chewier cut.

Anyway, we ate our black eyed peas and hog’s jawl for wealth and health in 2007.

And I realized that The Mighty Hunter would rather I open a can of black eyed peas and cook some jerky-like version of bacon than cook my “famous chicken and Alfredo sauce.”

I’m disappointed and disillusioned.

I’ll get over it.

And he’ll have to wait till 2008 to get his hog’s jawl again.

Look out, Mighty Hunter, Weight Watchers is moving back in our house!