Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I want everyone to know the kind of husband I have!

Look above this post. See that ticker? That tells you that my days are dwindling down to the end.

(Cue the trumpet fanfare!!)

As of right now, and according to the Auburn Gal Always Countdown to An Important Day Rules*, I have 21 days left. This may or may not correspond exactly with the ticker above, but it will be close.

21 days. That's 3 weeks. That's not long.

Especially when I've been pregnant for 43 years, 7 months and 28 days already.

So here's what happened that revealed my husband's true, malevolent nature.

It was Saturday, I think. Which according to the Countdown to An Important Day Rule (CtAIDR), was 25 days left until Due Date. Except that I think it was about 6pm, so that made it only 24 days - again according to the CtAIDR*.

So Saturday evening, The Mighty Hunter in all his wisdom and sensitivity made a statement to his deranged, mean pregnant wife. It might seem to have been an innocent enough statement to most anyone else. And had he said it at a time when I'm not waddling-around, please-stop-poking-your-foot-in-my-ribs, Extreme Makeover: Pregnant Edition pregnant, it might not have been quite as, well, stupid or suicidal.

He says... (Get ready. You just won't believe it.) "You still have a month left."

He used to be what I'd call above average intelligent.

He used to be what I'd call NICE.

Then he goes and says crap like that.

24 days do NOT equal 1 month.

"Shut up." (evidence that I'm deranged. I don't remember ever telling him to shut up.)

"what?" holding back his evil, maniacal laughter as best he can

"24 days. Not a month."

"It's a month till Feb 1. blah blah blah blah blah"

"24 days and SHUT UP."

"It's a month blah blah blah month blah blah blah month"

"You need to shut up and listen to me. 24 DAYS.

Now he knows he's got me all kinds of ticked off. jerk

"month blah blah blah month" can't hide his maniacal, snicker anymore

"You're being mean to me. Stop saying that. I do NOT have a whole month left. 24 DAYS!"

"Owww! You hit me!"

"Darn tootin' I hit you. And it's 24 days!"

So, I would like to officially announce that The Mighty Hunter is no longer on Santa's "nice list". The Mighty Hunter is getting entirely TOO MUCH SICK PLEASURE out of torturing me about the length of time left until Due Day.

Evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

So, today, as he was torturing me again at his office while I checked my eBay bids, I told him that he was not just mean.

He's stupid.

He moved up to suicidal tonight when I began hitting him with the spatula.

He's just lucky it was a plastic kitchen tool!

I told him I was going to tell everyone I know about his meanness. "You know I'm gonna blog this!'

"I don't care. No one reads your blog anyway."

what a jerk!

So, here's the deal. I want all of you stalkers to come out from under your keyboards and send in your comments, demanding he apologize and rub my feet and belly.

Poor little, pregnant Auburn Gal Always

*Countdown to An Important Day Rule (CtAIDR): When counting down to an upcoming date that is important or just exciting or even unpleasant, one should begin marking the calendar with the #1 on the day BEFORE the Important Day. Continue marking the calendar counting up until the current date is reached. When discussing or dreaming of said Important Day and how many days are left, one must use the number written on that day's place on the calendar until noon (local time zone). After 12 noon passes (again local time zone), one may begin use the number written on the next day's calendar place. This continues until the countdown reaches the day before the Important Day. At noon (local time zone) on the day before Important Day, one may then say "there are NO more days" until said Important Day.

Yea, I know. I'm nuts. But it's my little OCD system and I love it. It has taken me YEARS to get it just right. So, of course, it works perfectly for me.

Until The Mighty Hunter loses his ever-loving mind and thinks teasing a mean pregnant woman is funny. Doesn't he realize he has to sleep next to me? And that I cook most of his meals - which he has to eat!


Now, let's see those comments prove him wrong!



SouthernTransplant said...

Oh the Mighty Hunter should be ashamed!! It's not like this is the first time...I think he is poking intentionally and he must pay! ; )

Magnolia_Mom said...

Just found your blog from mybloglog. I'm an Auburn Gal myself. Men just don't get what the end of pregnancy is like. Good luck with the last few days:-)

SouthernTransplant said...

Ok…I can relate to this in my own way…I spoke to colleague of mine on the phone today…she had just received an email from me and noticed my pregnancy ticker…

(tried to post ticker here, but it won't paste???)
Now keep in mind that in my mind, I am thrilled beyond belief…I have been thinking “Wooohoooo! I’m almost have way…just a few more days and I’m 20 weeks!” Her words – “Oh my gosh! You still have over 20 weeks...why that’s (she pauses to think) still five months to go!” I said, “yep, pregnancy is actually 10 months long, so that makes me almost half-way. I’m thrilled! Can’t believe how fast this is flying by!” She doesn’t take the hint…starts again…”but you still have 5 months to go…that’s like forever…how can you stand it? How are you going to make it?” …I patiently try once more…”I’m thrilled. The end will be here before you no it.” In my head I’m thinking “she knows I’m due in June and the calendar hasn’t changed recently so what is the big surprise???...and…yes, she has 2 children – both girls are adopted from China – is this the time to point out that it probably took her 2 years per child to get her babies home??? …I decide not…I let her ramble and then I tell her I have to run to a meeting. No point in getting wound up today…Today is the day we find out if we are having a little girl or a boy! What could be more important than that?