Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 vs 2009

I'm blank.

I have these grandiose ideas about what I would write about this past (emphasis on "past," thank you JESUS) year. I want to be able to put the events and experiences and emotions from this not-at-all-my-favorite year into some touchy-feely, profound, sentimental, "it's all ok now" box.

And leave it there.

Washed away, as far as the East is from the West, forever, much like our sins. Right?

Except, there will be effects of the events of 2008 that will linger for months and years to come.

To be honest, I must admit that there have been "bright spots" and not-so-unpleasant results from closing the business.

The Mighty Hunter's bankruptcy will not be final until mid-March, at the earliest. But when it is done, we can begin rebuilding his credit. (Thankfully, my credit is still intact. So we can muddle through.)

Bobbie is in school and will become an RN and will be the best nurse that has ever nursed. (That might not be the right use of that word, but whatev. It makes me smile.)

Misty has a good job, although she is swamped on a daily basis. And in her, I've found my sister from another mister. (that cracks me up) It's crazy and creepy how much we're alike - insomnia, OCD, ADD and all! I now know that even when no one else gets me, she will! And, even better, she won't think I'm nuts.

The other staff are managing, maybe not as well as they did while working with us, but managing all the same.

We are longer associated in any way with Napoleon. We are now able to be honest about how we feel about him and no longer have to see or speak to him. I don't think it would be a smart idea for me to see him. I might just bitchslap him.

We can still pay our bills and still have a little padding to put away from things like Wiis and a trip to WDW. (YAY Spring Break 2009!!)

Sissy has shown such grace and faith this year. She has taught me how to truly trust God and allow Him to handle the big, scary things that would normally sentence me to the bathroom with cramps and gas and indigestion.

Beverly has taught me to be content in whatever situation. Her strength and faith astound me, as they always have. She never waivers. She rocks.

We've had a shift in our financial priorities. Previously, we (meaning The Mighty Hunter) was an AGGRESSIVE saver. I readily admit now that I resented this. It kept us from building the house of which we've dreamed. But it has kept us going through this hard time. Not that we have much put back. But having a little bit has been a very reassuring pillow to lay my head upon at night. We no longer feel the UNBELIEVABLE PRESSURE to save every darn penny. We've lost so much of it this year. We now feel less guilty when we splurge on trips and webcam-equipped netbooks and Wiis.

Our families have been a source of love and support that is indescribable and unfathomable. It brings me to tears as I type this how much I know their hearts have broken over what happened to our business this year. To know my dad fell to the floor, grief-stricken, crying out to God. It moves me in ways nothing else can. To know that FIL and Fiance were ready to loan us a HUGE amount of money for operating expenses. It humbles me to the point of embarrassment. To know that my brother and his wife have prayed. To know that BIL and his wife - and their congregation - have prayed. To know that BIL wept during a sermon that used our story. All of this makes me cry the Ugly Cry.

My Jesus hasn't left me. This year, during its hardest, most unsure times, He has been right here. Guiding every step and every decision and every choice. He placed in our lives the friends that have not abandoned us. The lawyer that has guided and represented us. The church family and others that have been sensitive and discreet and caring. And He has shown us that He is not the only one who loves us unconditionally. I confess that I have not read or prayed or lived the way I should (ever, but especially so this year.) Yet He has been here the whole time anyway. But isn't that the whole point of unconditional love?

Now for a different direction... I can't let this year end without describing the level of disappointment and betrayal I feel. My whole life, I've been able to depend on you. You gave me my dad, my FIL and many other blessings. You brought beautiful times into my life - and the lives of everyone else. Yet this year and last, you brought deep pain and fear and trauma. You are no longer welcome in my heart or my home. Beginning today, your name will disappear from my records - to the extent that I can, I will delete you from my life and existence. August - the month that holds wonderful birthdays, hot summer days, last-chance trips to the beach, back-to-school shopping - will forever be remembered for the pain it brought. I will divide its days among its more trustworthy neighbors, July and September. I will mark its name out on my calendars. It will be the month whose name is not spoken.

For 2009, I hope for many things.

Relief from bankruptcy ghosts
Forgiveness from those who were hurt by the business failure
Security and prosperity for those who lost their jobs
Joy and hope and love for all of us
Distance from the things and people who do not have our best interests at heart
Protection from our sinful nature
Blessings from our Lord
Gratitude for the little things in life
Forgiveness for those who have hurt us
Healthy bodies and minds for all of us
Gooey, underbaked chocolate chip cookies and tall glasses of cold milk
Snuggles and giggles with the kiddos
More time with The Mighty Hunter
The safe return of those deployed and serving our country and risking their lives

I could do a recap of last year's resolutions. But it would be sad and pointless. So let's just end it here.

God bless your 2009 beyond your imagination.

(I guess I wasn't blank after all.)

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