Saturday, November 08, 2008

cathartic epiphany

Note the lower case-ness of the title. And could I find two more melodramatic words to title a post?

Yesterday, we finished the greatest portion of the bankruptcy paperwork. The attorney was doing his best to get it filed before the end of the day.

It was not an easy day for me. The attorney people were calling every 20 seconds minutues - it seemed, anyway. "Can you clarify this? Can you find this particular page of this report and fax it to me again? Yes, I realize you already provided that to us, but it would be so much easier if you'd just send it again and save me the paper cuts and actual EFFORT of doing it myself. Why, yes, our offices DO seem organized don't they? Was that a joke?"*

And I was sneezing my chocolate-loving head off. And I had taken my claritinD. And it didn't seem to be helping. And all I wanted to do was cry and sleep.

So, after fetching Sissy from school, I instructed her to keep an eye on Lucky, who was taking a late afternoon nap, so that I could shower. And it was so nice to not have to rush through my shower.

And in the shower, it all came out. I wept like a little girl, like someone had died. There was a sob stuck in my throat that I was honestly afraid to let out. Afraid, primarily, that Sissy would think I was dying or a moose was trapped in the bathroom with me. And with that trapped sob was an ache that I've don't remember ever feeling.

To relieve the ache and quiet the sob, I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed for God to take it. But it wasn't that easy. The aching sob was not something He could just take away. It was something I had to give to Him.

I had to repent. I had to ask Him to forgive my pride and arrogance and independence and just-plain-walking-away-from-Him.

And, there in my shower, I realized that The Mighty Hunter and I had failed. We (particularly I) had begun to take the credit for the business's success. We (particularly I) had stopped acknowledging His provision through it. We (particularly I) had failed to keep Him first in our lives.

And I promised to do better.

And the aching sob left me.

And the hole in my heart was filled, once again, with His love and joy and hope.

And I'm able to go on again.**

*Not an exact quote. Some of it may have been imagined, but nonetheless true.

**Well, I'd be able to go on again if it weren't for the truckload of snot in my head and the raw throat that is sucking the life out of me.


Super B's Mom said...

I'm thankful that God is filling your heart with peace.


Paige said...

Praying for you.