Wednesday, July 11, 2007

My First Lap Dance

I actually have a few titles for this post and couldn't decide. There was "Paper Gowns, Lap Dances and Nappus Interruptis." And "Paps and Pappies." And, last but not least, "I think the wrong one of us was naked."

Yesterday was my annual gyno humiliation. Oh, the joys of being a woman with health insurance. I had made my appointment several weeks ago and didn't write it down. No, that would be too helpful and too much like planning. So, when I called the doctor's office to find out when I was scheduled and heard "this afternoon at 3:40," imagine the excitement I felt.

um, yeah

I did as much cleaning as possible and waited on our plumber/family friend to come fix our annoying toilet that required us to stand and wait so that we could have the pleasure of jiggling the handle to make it stop running constantly. (This running toilet just may have contributed to the record draught here in North Alabama. I'm just sayin'.)

Now, I don't know if I've told you before that The Mighty Hunter is a plumber. Oh, yeah. He's quite the handy guy to have. Except that he hates plumbing and would rather pay someone else to do it. There's another story about how his wide range of skills and talents have not been particularly, um, handy after all.


Toilet fixed, lunch consumed, baby sleeping, big kid watching something on Disney Channel. Time to shower and shave.

I arrange for The Mighty Hunter's aunt Margaret to stay with Stinkerbell while I take Lucky with me for the torture that is modern female health care.

As I pull into the parking space, this strange liquid stuff began falling from the sky. I have a memory of things like this, and we used to call it "rain." But surely I was hallucinating. But those hallucinations got my umbrella wet.

I was actually entering the exam room close to my appointment time, which gave me hope that it might be a quickie. snicker. But when I realized that I no longer heard a doctor's voice in the hall, I decided that he must have walked over to the hospital to check on a momma laboring. I decided that I should get comfortable.

yeah, right

I dangled my foot in front of Lucky and let him scratch my toes until it lost its entertainment value. I sat on the step to the exam table and sang to him until he was sick of "You are my sunshine" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider". I then did the thing I'd been procrastinating the whole time, I got him out of the stroller. I did this knowing that he'd probably want to nurse and scream when I tried to distract him from it. I did this knowing that he'd probably be nursing when the doc finally walked in the room. I did this knowing that I'd probably regret it.

But, it wasn't so bad. He stood in my lap and discovered the noise that a paper gown makes when it is flicked back and forth very. fast. my a baby's hand. He grabbed and pulled and twisted it till it began to tear.

Then he discovered that Mommy had given him the same fun clothes to play with beneath his feet. And the dancing began. I'm sure the nurses in the hall were wondering what I was laughing about.

He fell asleep without nursing, but not without getting his big eyes and drooling (more) when he ripped open the paper gown and flashed my bare chest.


After my lap dance, we took Uncle Carl and Aunt Beboo to dinner for Carl's birthday. I remembered the baby food and the plastic bib. But I forgot the baby spoon.

And I thought you all would like to know the solution I came up with...

Use the handle end of a spoon or fork to feed a baby! It held the baby food and fit into his mouth and worked perfectly.

Genius. Sheeeer Genius.


Anonymous said...

Gyno appt at the end of this month... oooh, I'm so dreading it! I'm sure it won't be as entertaining as your visit!

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

You gots the smarts real, real good.

I am already dreading my gyno October.