Thursday, January 24, 2008

losing control

I have been feeling not myself lately.





I feel anger, rage, fury. I want to swear, break things, hit things. I want to lash out. I want those around me to experience my frustrations and irritations with me.





As I was getting Stinkerbell ready for school this morning, I nearly lost it. We were running late. She was dressed and ready except for her coat and picking up her book bag. I had Lucky in my arms. I told her, calmly but with emphasis, to get her coat and bag and get to the garage.





She is standing stone still, staring at something on the kitchen counter.





I shouted. I slammed the door to the stairs behind me. I fussed. I complained. I chewed her out.





I don't know what's up with me. I'm not naturally an angry person. I don't have problems with my temper unless I'm pregnant.





I'm not pregnant. Trust me. I used 5 super PLUS tamp0ns yesterday. NOT PREGNANT.





Yes, 5 SUPER PLUS.





I feel like I'm losing control. I can't seem to be able to handle things without feeling strung out like a high C piano string. I hate feeling this way. I'm overwhelmed.





I'm exhausted.





I'm going back on the pill Sunday.





cue the heavenly host, praising God and saying "Glory to God in the highest and on earth, pills good sleep to Auburn Gal."





I have a lot of hope hanging on those little pills. They have a long list of things to fix:





heavy periods


moodiness


stress


heavy periods


flat chest


birth control


heavy periods


migraines


heavy periods

flat chest


I need to figure out a way to vent my anger and frustrations without it affecting my relationship with Stinkerbell. She doesn't deserve to be my target. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and filled with guilt and regret.


I should have been Catholic.


note: I first began this post on Jan 24. I couldn't decide whether to publish it or not. Since I'm visiting the desert of inspiration for a few days, I thought I should do SOMETHING so you don't forget me...

ps. I don't know how all these extra spaces get inserted into a post. I left it in drafts with NORMAL spacing between paragraphs (if you can call them "paragraphs") and when I returned to finish - like stupid little grammatical dust bunnies, they've multiplied. If I delete them, then I lose all spacing. If I delete them and try to put them back, they're still wrong. So, sorry. the layout sucks. It's not the first time it has sucked.

2 comments:

Faith said...

well....

all i can say is, i can relate on almost ALL counts.

uncontrollable, unexplainable anger...check. taking it out on child....check. feeling guilty about that....check. not pregnant....check. starting a post and not sure whether to post it or not....check. having spacing issues that refuse to be corrected...check.

well....anyways, if you figure out how to deal with the anger, let me know...in the meantime, know I'm sympathizing....completely! Hope it gets better. And thanks for your honesty....it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way!

Shelly Overlook said...

I relate to, on at least some level, almost every day. My frustration and complete lack of patience is usually so not me, but I swear this child knows how to push my buttons like no other. I'm sorry, I know it feels yukky to feel this way.