Wednesday, August 06, 2008

the elephant in the room - and more than you wanted to read but read it anyway

I've been a little absent here lately. There are several reasons excuses I will offer...

  • we've taken a few trips

  • I've tried hard to spend the last few days before school starts doing special things with Stinkerbell

  • we've all been sick with a cold

Yet the main reason I've been posting less is that I'm ignoring an elephant in my life. When I wrote this, I was struggling with the fear of changes looming on the horizon for me. I've resisted them. I've procrastinated. I've ignored. I've refused. All of this has been for naught.

The economy has hit us hard.

Owning our own business has been a really wonderful blessing over the last three years. We've had freedom and flexibility in schedule for The Mighty Hunter to be able to spend time with the kids, take time off, travel a little, etc. The burdens were outweighed by the benefits for a long time.

But owning a business that supplies home construction products in the middle of a housing crisis is now a serious liability.

Business is bad. It's terribly slow. We've (meaning The Mighty Hunter) have had to release sales reps from their contracts because of slow sales. We are now about to begin lay-offs within the office staff. It's hard to cover payroll.

Tonight, The Mighty Hunter told me that bankruptcy is looming very VERY near. Without an immediate investment (which would be a miracle,) it will be over next week.

I've seen him like this before. June 2000. His mom was dying. There was nothing he could do but watch it happen. There was nothing I could do to help him.

Nothing but tell him "I love you". And now I add "I'm proud of you."

He has done a wonderful job - even now - running the business. He has made mistakes but has shown grace and grown in his understanding of business and his faith has grown as well.

But I'm worried about him. I'm worried what this will do to him.

No, I don't need to worry. I know what kind of man he is. He's the kind of man that will face the situation with strength and poise and concern for others. He will sacrifice for us and them. He will continue to do his best to do the right thing. He will find other work and continue to support us. He will land on his feet. He will pray on his knees. He will make it through this.

We will make it through this.

But it is scary not being able to see what is on the other side.

But don't I know?

Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

If you pray, I'd appreciate it. If you don't, I wish you'd start now.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for who you are. Thank you for all the wonderful gifts you've given me - a terribly undeserving excuse for a follower. Thank you for the opportunity to learn more about you through EVERY circumstance.

Help me to be who I need to be right now. Give me the strength and courage and grace I need for the days that follow. Give me peace enough to sleep, even when my sinful, worry-loving spirit resists.

Forgive me, once again, for failing you and those around me.

Bless me, Lord. Bless others through me. Bless me through those around me. Protect me and my family and those that are threatened by these circumstances we face together. Provide for all our needs. Help us to make good choices and do the right things.

Thank you again. I will praise you in this storm and will lift your Name up to the heavens . Only you are worthy of my praise.

I trust you now - especially now. Only you can bring us to the other side of this without the ghosts of "failure" and "bankruptcy" and "disappointment".

Forgive our pridefulness in our own accomplishments. Without You, none of what has happened over the last three years would have been possible. Without You, I would have no hope at all. Without You - I don't even want to consider it. Thank you that I do have you and I don't have to worry about being "without" ever again.

Jesus, your sweet Name, brings a smile to my tear-streaked face. Jesus, hold our hands and guide every single step we take - not just now, but forever.

Forgive us for not worshipping you like we should. Forgive us that Stinkerbell has to ask us to take her to church. Jesus, forgive us.

I love you, Lord. I know you love me and for that, if for nothing else, I rejoice and my heart soars and I can cry with the ecstasy of joy, knowing that no matter what happens here, today, tomorrow or 20 years from now, I will always have you and - AND! - one day, I will be with you.

My mind tells me to stop now, but my heart wants to talk about you more. I need to share my love for you. I need to express it. I need to speak it. I ache to sing it at the top of my lungs.

I remember a time, 9 years ago, when I was in a very difficult job and was struggling to make it through the days. I begged you every single day, as I drove to work, to tell me to turn around and go home and call in and say "I quit." For almost a year, I begged this of you. But there was something there I needed to learn. I needed to learn that you were trying to get my attention. I needed to learn that the biggest leassons are often learned the hard way. I needed to learn that you were using me there - I still don't know why or how. I needed to learn that it wasn't time to leave - I must wait on YOUR timing.

Jesus, I still struggle with this whole timing thing. But you know that already. I tell you about it every day. No. Forgive me, Lord. That's not true. I don't tell you about it every day. I tell you about it when I need something from you. The truth is that, lately, I only talk to you when I need something from you. Forgive me for treating you like my Holy atm. Just forgive me.

Let your warm, loving light shine through me tomorrow. Make me into the person you want me to be - no matter how painful it is to me. Did I really just ask you to do that? I realize I have opened the proverbial flood gates now. I'm ready to be changed by you. Break my will and smother my pride.

Put me where you want me. Open my mouth only for your Words. Shut my mouth all the other times. Tell me what to do. I want to experience life on your terms now. My way hasn't been working so well. I want to see it your Way now.

Thank you, again, for the endless list of blessings. Thank you for my salvation. Thank you for my family. Thank you for the things I learned today. Thank you for the promise of a better tomorrow - even if I don't see it happen tomorrow.

Thank you, Lord. Amen.


Michelle said...

My prayers are with you, sweet Auburn friend...

Know that God will bless you, He never fails.

elizabeth said...

A beautiful prayer that I prayed right along with you. Remember Matthew 6:19-34 during this difficult is one of my favorites.

Ironically, I am a bankruptcy processor for a local attorney's firm. Please don't feel defeated or like you are a "bad person" for that (if it indeed comes to that). This is a very rough time for our economy and trust me, you are not alone in this situation. Many people are finding themselves in this very same situation as you. This economy has no mercy on the poor the rich or the "inbetween-middle folks". It's all a matter of circumstance and you are right in the fact that HE, alone, will take care of you and provide for you. You seem to KNOW that as FACT already.

I will be praying for you, along with everyone that finds themselves financially burdened during this time.

Midlife Mommy said...

Amen. I know that you will get through this, even though it will be hard. Hugs.

Kaye said...

I will be praying for the job situation, your husband's strength and well-being, and direction for your lives from Above. God bless you. You've turned to the right place.

Super B's Mom said...

Amen Sister. Amen.

This post is BEAUTIFUL. Painful for you, I know - but your faith is there. I admire the strength I see that you don't think you have.

I WILL be praying.

Anonymous said...

{{HUGS}} to you and prayers for you.