pardon our progress

from an email i sent to my brother and My Friend Rachel. forgive the lack of capitalizations and the rambling. i was just getting my thoughts out...


its ok. could be worse, but only in that "just be thankful you have a solid marriage and no one is dying of cancer" kind of way.

tomorrow he and/or Napoleon will take care of the last things in teh warehouse that belongs to a customer - ie: deliver it.

some woman knocked on all the doors of the office today. the loading dock doors too. shook the office entry door. his truck was parked in the big warehouse. it didn't appear that anyone was there. probably some determined/deranged customer.

he apologized again.

he had the most pitiful "i'm gonna miss this" look on his face tonight while Stinkerbell and Lucky ate supper after soccer practice.

he is pursuing the catastrophe team job with the insurance company. he will be traveling year-round, working 10 days off 4. they will pay for his travel and a lot of his expenses. but he will be living in hotels and away from us - alone every night. missing them do so much and growing up so fast

and IT'S JUST NOT FAIR DAMMIT

why is this the price he has to pay? why does HE have to pay the price? why do our kids? this makes me so angry and sad and bitter and depressed and determined and scared - all at the same time.

wonder if the insurance company will let him install a webcam on his computer.

he asked me to help at the office some tomorrow. i'm going to exchange this laptop, with its missing "v" thanks to Lucky and his surprise bombing of a coaster over the top of the screen, for a faster, newer, bigger, cooler version, complete with a leather top and probably a great Swiss Gear bag.

i'm also helping carl do a resume. he's applying for a job at a water plant in Ga. he can retire from here and get whatever his retirement would be and then work over there also and get 2 checks.

he got his personal stuff out of his office tonight. its in boxes in the basement. i never got to take a picture of his office after the renovations were finished. we ordered a set of 3 framed, canvas portraits for his office. we also ordered some for here. so, i guess mom and dad are getting some portraits of us for dad's birthday or to celebrate September or some reason.

this sucks, have i told you that yet? well, i'll say it again now and later a lot more.

this is not about money anymore. this is about our family. how do we recover from this? how do we keep it together and stay close? how do I keep him in the kids lives? how do I maintain him as the leader in our family when he won't be here?

why do i have to do this shit?

when will i shower? how will i manage Stinkerbell to and from school, homework, soccer practice and games, art lessons (probably out the door), Lucky getting the attention he needs/deserves, doctors appointments, changing the light bulbs in the stupid fixtures at my vanity that scare the bejeebus out of me with their 30 year-old bare wires showing, the dogs needing to go to the vet and they make me itch and wheeze, and my job too?

oh, and when will i find the chance to shower? seriously. cuz its already a challenge now.

also, i like to sleep a little and occasionally have 10-20 seconds to myself. the alone time is negotiable, but the sleep thing is a deal-breaker.

have we been that ungrateful and prideful? were we so ingratious as to act like God had nothing to do with the business and its success that we had to lose it to learn some horribly painful difficult heart-breaking lesson? (no, i'm not sure if "ingratious" is a real word, i may have just made it up. whatever. screw it. call Websters and tattle on me. heck, if "ginormous" can be added to the dictionary, so can my imaginary words.)

we worked hard. we did a good job. we provided good products to good people. we worked with great people. we learned a lot. we made a little money. we paid our bills and others did the same - at least for a while. we did our best. we were scared. we were excited. we were confident. we were comfortable. we were growing. we were rewarded and rewarding others. we had hard times. we struggled. we fought. we lost. we are scared. we are sad. we are grieving. we are angry. we are disappointed. we are hopeful. we are humbled. we are repentant. we are filled with regrets over what could/should have been and the price we're going to pay. we are thankful. we are looking for God in this. we are resting in him. we are depending on him. we are reliant on him. we aren't where we should be, but we are getting there.

i'm so dadgummed tired but all i can think about is the price he and Stinkerbell and Lucky are going to pay over the next few weeks and months. and WHEN will it be that God provides him a means to come home to us and stay?

pray for strength for all of us.