Sunday, April 15, 2007

Because of you...

I'm writing this as my entry into the Christian Women Online Blog Challenge to describe how blogging has been a blessing to me. I don't think I'll win the prize, but I'd love to. I would so LOVE a custom blog design. Nevertheless...

Blogging is a form of journaling that I've actually maintained longer than any previous attempt at recording my thoughts and experiences. While I've never kept a prayer journal, I kept a diary for a few weeks after Stinkerbell's birth and, of course, as a kid. I never did much in my wedding book or baby books! I suppose those forms of expression were just not geeky enough for me, I suppose. Blogging allows me to tap into my intense yearning to express myself with words and sit at my computer much longer than I should, all the while making friendships with others in far-flung places and just down the road.

I've become fascinated with how some exceptional writers can paint pictures of their mundane lives with their children and husbands. Pictures that are just plain hilarious and poignant. Pictures that inspire. Pictures that build a bond between bloggers. (how's that for alliteration?)

I can peek through kitchen windows and watch other families go through their lives. Organ transplantation (here too). Adoption. Large families. First-time mothers. Major illness. And humorous gals who give to others.

But for me, blogging provides an interaction with adults (ADULTS! YAY! How's my hair? Let me change out of my pj's into real clothes!) that is precious to me at this point in my life. Staying at home with a newborn son, breastfeeding, etc., contributes to a pretty high level of loneliness and detachment for me. Admittedly, this blogging interaction is not face-to-face, but it works for those of us who suffer from varying degrees of social anxiety. And much like email and instant messaging, I can share what I want to share and hide what I want to hide. I can begin and end my "conversations" when I choose. I can ignore whom and what I want. I can avoid the things that cause me stress and grief. I can enjoy the things that I love. I can ask the questions I need answered. I can express my deepest, darkest thoughts. I can peel the onion of my emotions and sinful life. I can seek reassurance and love from others in similar circumstances. I can find God in it all. I can praise Him too.

Recently, I've reached a cross-roads in my life. A pattern of behavior must end and a new way must begin. This change has not come as a surprise. But it has been avoided and procrastinated. Facing my failures hurts. a lot. Knowing I've disappointed my husband tears my heart out. The guilt is killing me.

A few weeks ago, I was unable to sleep. In an attempt to exhaust my thoughts and distract myself from the stress caused by my guilt and self-loathing, I began browsing blogs. I stumbled across Kelly's blog and this entry. Her willingness to express the changes God made in her and her marriage truly touched me. And for the first time, I wept and asked God to heal my heart and change ME and not change my circumstances to suit me.

God hasn't finished with me yet. I'm way too stubborn for my own good. And, like in the past, God has to get my attention in a big way to get me to put forth the kind of effort He requires.

Through Kelly, I've been encouraged and challenged to be a better person and a more genuine Christian and to put my heart back into my marriage - as God desires of me. Through responses to my posts about this phase of my life and my requests for prayer, I've been shown the love of God for me that brings me to my knees. Now, when I can't love myself, God is loving me through His children that are strangers to me.

I've written this without proofing it thoroughly. I'm gonna leave it as it is now. I'm afraid if I try to make it better, I'll take something away from it. In my attempt to improve my grammar or syntax, I might remove some of my sincerity. I might close my kitchen curtains and shut you out, hiding my life and protecting myself.

But, this mostly anonymous blog allows me to tell secrets that I normally would bury in the deepest, darkest places in my heart.

It feels wrong to say these things about Kelly and the other blogs that have blessed me so much without saying one more thing. Thank you. Ok, two things: God Bless You!

This article is my submission to the blog challenge sponsored by Darlene Schacht,, the founder and editor of CWO Magazine, Uniting Women of Faith.


Beba said...

Yes i feel the same. I am mother of 13 months old girl and most of the time i am at home with her. Some times i do feel lonely, but this way, reading other's life stories i feel different and better. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. God bless you...

Jennifer said...

Very well written! Hope you win!

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post!
I hope you win something!

PS-- Thanks for the link!

Mel said...

Dear Auburn Gal,

What are the chances that I am in the mood to meet someone new and explore the endless channels to do just that? They are endless..... But just like the Lord, He plops someone like yourself who is either living in Auburn or has lived there to be my person of peace today!

I live and work in Asia but every 4 years my family takes a year off from our ministry and we go retreat to Auburn/Opelika area.

All I have to say is : You have Brightened my day!

I'll be back to visit more later!

blessings on you and your family... and thanks for keeping your kitchen curtains open for me to make a visit! :)


Darlene said...

That was great, and you didn't need to edit a thing! I too find that the women online strengthen me, and it's nice to fellowship with so many others when we're stay at home moms. Thanks for reminding us all what a blessing we have in online friends.